Tag Archives: humor

NaNoWriMo with a TTRPG Twist: Day 13

Posted on by under NaNoWriMo

Happy Monday, fellow adventurers and GMs! I’ve been looking forward to sharing this one, but held off for the 13th…which, in hindsight, doesn’t make as much sense as using this on the 5th or saving it for the 20th. That’ll make sense in a couple of sentences, I promise.

This is another one that you can run in just about any system you’d like with some tinkering and retooling, but it was originally used for one of my favorite, most chaotic 5E one-shots and then for an incredible mini-campaign of Scum and Villainy that’s still waiting to see completion in a third session (complete with a beach episode that absolutely was not a beach episode – surprise!). And so without further delay: I present Charles Edward Cheddar’s Fright Nights (version 1; yeah, there’ll be a second post of this and I’m very not sorry)! (Why yes, this is absolutely a WishDotCom level knock-off of a wildly popular video game series turned major motion picture turned endless line of Funko Pop figurines.)

Charles Edward Cheddar’s Fright Nights

Congratulations on your adventuring party’s new and deeply enriching career path as the night time security guards at a long shut-down but never forgotten tavern and child-friendly gambling facility, Charles Edward Cheddar’s! It’s not enriching in the sense that it will pay well, and the hours aren’t terrific, but it’s a chance to help preserve those fond childhood memories of fun times!

Upon arriving, your party is greeted by the daytime guard, who seemed more than eager to head home—increasingly so as the sun moved closer to the horizon. He explained that things are pretty self-explanatory: keep trespassers out, tidy up any odd messes, don’t disturb Charles Edward Cheddar and his Fun Time Pizza Pals because the animatronics tended to get a little squirrels after what used to be normal business hours. Sure, the owner could have decommissioned them when the place closed down but they chose to keep them around for sentimental reasons.

A little detail omitted from the job listing: your party is locked in until your shift has ended in the morning.

There are odds and ends to be tidied up, a convenient security room from which the whole facility can be monitored…or so it seems, anyway…and a well-stocked snack bar.

However, even as the night is young things started getting interesting. Charles Edward Cheddar and friends seem to have noticed they aren’t alone, and there’s no party scheduled. Can your party survive the night? Or will they find themselves having been made into backup members of Charles Edward Cheddar’s band?

GM Tools and Tips

Charles Edward Cheddar’s Fright Nights is absolutely meant to be the cheesiest, campiest, goofiest TTRPG tribute to Five Nights at Freddy’s (sans the lore depth) possible. It’s terrific fun to run, even if players go into it expecting the FNAF experience, and lends to a lot of fun, silly moments but also to some solid tension building (and, if you play your cards right, the closest you’ll get to a jumpscare in a TTRPG—remember, Session 0 and safety tools are key as always).

This works well in Forged in the Dark games as having clocks for the animatronics antics (their hostility ramping up, their approach to hunting the party, etc. ) as well as how much time is left in the overnight shift, but this plays out just as nicely as a more exploration and RP-heavy 5E game.

Some animatronic suggestions:

Charles Edward Cheddar – the headliner, and definitely in no way a direct rip-off of a real world analogue of near-identical name, Charles is the star of the show. He runs the tavern and is always aware of what’s going on, but does not immediately intervene. He lets his friends investigate first, and then as nights go on he becomes more active (and dangerous).

Pizza Paulette/Pizzapotamus – Pizza Paulette is more of an analogue to Chica from the FNAF games, while Pizzapotamus is…well, a hippopotamus version of such an animatronic. Either approach: this character sure loves all things pizza. Not just the taste and smell of it, but sharing facts about how it’s made, why it’s so darn good, and how well your adventuring party might taste as toppings if you aren’t careful. One of the first animatronics to seek out the adventuring party, often the least subtle, and definitely quick to cause a fright. In my 5E one-shot, Pizza Paulette made it into the security office only to have their face melted off by magic before getting absolutely wrecked.

Carl E Calzone – The surlier cousin of Pizza Paulette/Pizzapotamus and chef of ill-repute, Carl Calzone often keeps to the kitchen and tavern dining areas to watch out for any who might be there to steal his revolutionary recipes. He’s the only one of the animatronics who can be bargained with as, despite what all materials surrounding the dilapidated establishment indicate, he’s “cool with taking bribes”.

The Breadstick Bunch – Once a collection of delightful, sentient foodstuffs, The Breadstick Bunch has gone stale and stabby. They travel in a pack, assessing where the party is and who can be tricked into going off on their own before splitting up to corner and make quick work of them. They are cautious around standing water, not only for their circuitry but because the majority of their bodies are made up of actual breadsticks. Please note that per company policy any penicillin acquired from The Breadstick Bunch is considered an additional dipping sauce, the cost of which will be deducted from your wages.

Shroomy Sal – The bassist of the band and most likely to start a tavern brawl at children’s birthday parties, Sal was often conveniently switched off during Charles Edward Cheddar’s prime. Now online all the time, they are ready to make some noise and break some bones. Sal will often notice the players before they notice Sal and will work to quickly close the gap before dealing as serious damage as possible.

Bits ‘n Bolts – Not an official animatronic, this amalgamation of decommissioned band mates from eras long past has awakened and is out for revenge on a world that took its home—Charles Edward Cheddar’s—from it. Bits prefers stealth and subterfuge, hiding just out of sight in the shadows before luring players into potentially dangerous situations, and often creeps through the ventilation system. Fun fact: this was the one I managed the closest thing to a real jumpscare with in 5E, a personal victory I will celebrate whenever possible.

The above are absolutely loose guidelines and I encourage you to come up with your own pals for Charles Edward Cheddar. Be cheesy, turn up the creepy factor, and ham it up (with or without pineapple). As always; take care; good luck and godspeed!

Wanted Adventurers – A Small Measure of Destiny

Posted on by under Wanted Adventurers

The Measure of Mettle was a small, unassuming shop among its towering neighbor’s in Ankheim’s shopping district, which had resumed its late afternoon business after the excitement had subsided. No shop door was closed for particularly long with the constant flow of traffic, save for Mettle’s.

“I like the look of that place,” Aranza said.

Temperance started to suggest one of the other armorers nearby, but Aranza had already reached for the small, plain handle on the similarly small, plain door. It opened without her touching it, and both Aranza and Temperance hesitated.

“Perhaps an enchanted door to seem more welcoming?” Temperance suggested.

The ceiling seemed impossibly high compared to the unassuming exterior of The Measure of Mettle, and grand chandeliers made of patchworks of material–some carefully shaped ironwork, some meticulously carved stone, and some made from bones of indeterminate origin–bobbed lazily at various heights, held not aloft by chains nor rope but instead anchored to the floor.

“Looking for anything in particular?” rumbled a voice from the opposite side of the shop. A half-giant stood behind the counter, her attention fixed on a set of plate armor as she hammered it into shape though her tools made no sound.

“Hail and well met, shopkeep,” Temperance said, taking the lead. “We’ve come to Ankheim on official Guild matters and find ourselves in need of new armor for my traveling companion.”

The half-giant shopkeeper looked up over half-moon glasses, her left eye a pool of silver and her right one white from edge to edge with a long, angry red scar crossing it from her forehead down to her jaw.

“Guild doesn’t make Ankheim its business much these days,” the shopkeeper said. She pointed at Aranza. “You the companion in need of armor?”

Aranza nodded. “Went for a bit of a swim and my kindly Paladin was insistent we make use of our funds to replace this old thing,” she said with a gesture to her waterlogged armor.

A hint of a smile tugged at the shopkeeper’s lips. “Plenty of other shops that could provide for you,” she replied. “Why pick this one?”

Temperance furrowed her brow and considered the question, which allowed Aranza time to step in and respond.

“It’s got character,” Aranza replied. “Something about it called to me, and when I reached for the door it just opened.”

The shopkeeper nodded. “Good enough for me,” she said. “Let’s get to work on something for you.”

“Get to work?” Temperance said at last. “I’m afraid custom armor isn’t quite within our budget.”

The shopkeeper stepped set down the plate she was shaping and stepped over the counter. Up close, she was easily twice as tall as Temperance, even slightly hunched down to avoid the chandeliers.

“Every piece in this place is made for someone,” the shopkeeper replied. “And anyone who is someone who has business in my shop has armor waiting for them. It’s a small matter of doing Fate’s work, and as such for the sake of my own skin and sanity I do not charge additional coppers over the matter of what you called custom armor.”

“Aranza,” Aranza said, holding out her hand. “Aranza Twinblade of Tidalreach.”

“You’ll learn to not give your name so willingly to strangers, I think, in due time,” the shopkeeper said. Her expression softened. “Call me Faen. It’s not my true name, but it’ll do for the sake of this transaction. I do believe we’ve got something that will be just right for you.”

“Forgive my asking,” Temperance interjected, “but where are your wares? The ones fated to be sold to rightful owners, I believe you’d suggested.”

Faen raised an eyebrow. “Nothing here for you,” she said. “Not yet, anyway. As for you, Aranza, I’ll ask you to hold on tightly.”

Faen picked up Aranza as if she were little more than a piece of parchment and put her in a small pouch slung over her back.

“There’s a tear or two I’ve been meaning to mend, so if you’re not careful you’ll fall out,” Faen explained. “Don’t want you to hit the floor and make a mess now, do we?”

The floor wasn’t too terribly far down, or it wasn’t until Faen began to climb the length of rope tethering a crystalline chandelier to the floor. She moved swiftly, hand over hand, and reached the brightly lit top before Aranza could finish cursing.

“You roguish types prefer your armor to remain a little on the squishier side these days, yes?” Faen asked in a way that sounded more like a statement.

Aranza blinked a few times. She was standing on a solid floor, or something solid at least, but when she looked down she saw the top of the chandelier.

“Don’t think about it too hard or you’ll break the spells and fall,” Faen said absentmindedly, her focus on the many armor-outfitted dummies in front of her.

“Ah, here we are,” Faen said, retrieving a forest green tunic from one of the dummies. She handed it to Aranza, and then turned away.

“Let me know once you’ve got it on,” Faen said. “I’m sure I know what you’ll have to say about it.”

Faint, and from far below, words echoed up. “Do you require my aid?” Temperance shouted, though her voice was barely a whisper once it traveled the distance from the floor.

Faen chuckled. “Is this her normal demeanor?”

Aranza laughed in response. “That’s a safe I haven’t quite cracked yet, but I think there’s good in her deep down.”

“I like to hear that,” Faen said. “She doesn’t seem like a Guild sort. Take care of her and she’ll return the favor, I’m sure. Best way to do that with a Paladin is through honest, open, and honest communication.”

Aranza finished pulling the tunic top over her head before she responded. “You said honest twice, you know.”

“Did I?” Faen said. “How curious.”

“I’m ready,” Aranza said. “It fits…”

“Perfectly?” Faen said as she turned around. The tunic looked as though it had been made for Aranza, and only for Aranza.

“Check the pockets,” Faen said. “This bit’s my favorite part.”

Aranza did as she was told, and discovered her belongings were all where they ought to be.

“Don’t get used to it, though,” Faen said. “One time cantrip, used up once the wearer puts on the new armor for the first time. I never even learned that particular spell, so I can’t help you there.”

Aranza nodded. “What’s the damage?” she looked downwards again, and added, “Don’t suppose we could…” She pointed towards the floor.

“In a moment,” Faen said. She disappeared between two of the dummies. Aranza could hear her shuffling along, but couldn’t see her despite how tall the half-giant loomed.

“Thought as much,” Faen said, having reappeared behind Aranza. She held a rolled up piece of leather, held shut by a simple knotted piece of rope, between her fingers as if it was a handkerchief. Before Aranza could ask, however, Faen had plucked her from the floor and leapt from the place above the chandeliers.

Aranza screamed by reflex as air rushed upwards around them.

Faen landed with a delicate thud, only a step or two away from Temperance.

“Gods damn it, was that necessary?” Temperance snapped before regaining her composure.

“Yes,” Faen said, setting Aranza down.

Temperance looked Aranza over and nodded. “That suits you quite nicely,” she said. “Sturdy leather made to look inconspicuous and crafted to allow for silent movement.”

Faen nodded, smiling. “You know your stuff better than you let on,” she said. She held out the roll of leather. “This is for you. You’ll know, I think, when the time is right. Not yet, though. And as for you…Payment.”

“What do you mean ‘payment’?” Temperance demanded.

Faen held up a finger, and Aranza nodded in response.

“Temperance, I need to tell you something,” Aranza said. “I was the one who destroyed the dam.”

The two were suddenly outside, back on the street in front of a storefront-shaped gap between buildings.

“I’m sorry, you said you did what?” Temperance replied.

Piece 21 – A Little Light Trespassing

Posted on by under A Puzzling New World

Sophia maintained a modest distance. Curian had slipped into the shadows and disappeared entirely, a feat that proved even more impressive given how greatly the snow magnified the sun’s light. Every so often there would be a quick flash of silver–the signal they’d agreed upon–followed by nothing.

Sophia paced, rubbing her hands together for warmth. The gloves she’d brought for the journey were doing well enough, but the Rhimeghast Mountains were known for their supernaturally brutal chill, and she was learning that the stories were far from exaggerated.

“Where has she gotten to now?” Sophia muttered to herself.

The light of day gradually began to fade, and Sophia’s pacing had worn a small valley in the snow. “Gods damn it, where is she? She better not have gotten spotted.”

“Is that concern I heard?”

Sophia fell backwards into the snow, looking around wildly. Curian stood over her, smirking as she offered a hand. Sophia accepted, begrudgingly, and then pulled Curian into the snow.

“That was a rotten trick, you know,” Sophia said as she stood up.

Curian had leapt to her feet and dusted herself off, smiling and clearly pleased with herself. “I mean, you did sound concerned,” she said.

“Did you find anything?”

Curian’s smirk grew more mischievous, a twinkle present to her eye that Sophia had gotten to know over their somewhat short time together.

“There’s a window to one of the upper chambers,” Curian said. “It took a bit of looking around, but I spotted it. There’s a subtle glamor keeping it from sight, but I think it may be our ticket back inside.”

Sophia raised an eyebrow. “And what if it’s a trap? Or heavily guarded?” She paused. “Or it could drop us into the vast abyss inside of the palace.”

Curian blinked. “Ever the optimist, aren’t you? It’s our best option, and one I think that’s worth exploring. Come on, last thing we need to do is linger out here after dark.”

As if in response, something in the distance let out a guttural shriek that pierced the air.

“Yes, let’s keep moving,” Sophia said, switching to a brisk jog to keep up with Curian.

The prospect of sneaking in became less appealing once Sophia saw the section of wall the hidden opening occupied. The air shimmered ever so slightly around the space along a sheer outer wall above a gap in the walkways.

“I don’t suppose you know how to fly, perhaps, and that’s how we’ll get up there,” Sophia said.

Curian laughed in response, but her expression quickly grew serious. “Do you trust me?” she asked.

Sophia looked around, attempting to maintain a poker face in response. Another shriek in the distance shattered that illusion.

“Do I have a choice?”

Curian shrugged. “Sorry before the fact, I suppose,” she said. She grabbed Sophia’s hand and laced her fingers tightly between her compatriot’s, and reached into a pocket with her free hand. There was a soft popping sound.

“Hold on tight,” Curian said.

The ground beneath fell away rapidly, and by the time Sophia realized she was no longer standing on terra firma she was falling through the gap in the wall. Her face contorted as she tried to hold back a shocked scream.

The space beyond the hidden entrance, however, was as devoid of a landing place as the outside, and the two fell through the air downwards.

“Ah, shit,” Curian said. “At least I got to find out what that bottle of captured wind was good for, so not a total loss all things considered.”

Sophia’s eyes grew wide. “You didn’t know what it would do?”

“Isn’t learning new things the real spirit of exploration? Only true pursuit in life?” Curian said, grasping at straws as Sophia’s anger only became more apparent.

The world slowed to a stop around Sophia and Curian, and the duo found themselves suspended in air and unable to move.

“You know, it would’ve been far easier to have just demanded entry,” Lady Rhimeghast said. “But you’ve got my attention once again…Now to determine what to do with you.”

Warpt Factor – Installment 20

Posted on by under Warpt Factor

Izzy sighed. The haunted mansion seemed a little less impressive after seeing actual monsters and magic in action. This didn’t stop Izzy from taking the ride very seriously. She earned the high score on the ghost hunter portion of the ride, and unlocked the hidden route. At the end, walking along the exit path, Izzy performed a short victory dance that prompted a chuckle from CMO Carter and muttered remarks about being a sore winner from First Officer deCourville.

“So much for this being down-time, eh?” Professor Everest joked. “You doing all right, Captain?”

Izzy smiled. “As far as vacations go, it was a dud,” Izzy replied. “Made for a very impressive distraction. Top notch. Totally threw me off my game. Feeling ready to get back to doing some good, though. What do you think?”

Professor Everest huffed. “Just be careful with that sort of attitude,” he replied. “If you’re not careful, all procedure and proper work focus with no fun will make you into that.” He jerked a thumb towards Fontaine.

“I can hear you, you know,” Fontaine hissed without looking back.

“Let me present a reasonable compromise,” CMO Carter said. She spun around and stopped. “We can cut our trip a little short seeing how the park closes in a couple hours…But would we really want to miss out on making use of our meal passes?”

Fontaine chittered excitedly. “It would be prudent to fully utilize all of the amenities afforded to us with our passes, I would think,” he said, quickly adding, “I have heard such good reviews of the Orbital Opera, after all. I would like to second the motion to enjoy some fine dining and fantastical theater.”

Izzy chuckled. “Who am I, your caring captain, to deny my crew a little more fun before we depart? Let’s do this.”

The Orbital Opera hovered at the height of the park, a globe suspended from the upper reaches of the park’s boundaries. The ceiling, only visible when starstuff bounced against it, was clear and provided a perfect view of the billions of points of light beyond. The tables were in a fixed orbit around a stage at the center of the room, and the show was almost ready to start when Izzy and her crew arrived.

“Oh, wondrous! The tale of the feud between Mars and Earth!” Fontaine chirped.

Izzy enjoyed watching her crew as much as she enjoyed watching the show. It was peaceful. The food was all right, but a bit fancier than she’d have liked. She poked and prodded at it a few times in hopes of drawing Fontaine’s ire only to realize he was too enthralled by the performance. Giving in to the situation, Izzy forced herself to relax. By the end of the show, she was even enjoying herself a little though Izzy also found herself making mental notes of points to take back to her history teachers on Earth regarding how the Earthen Alliance at the time chose to approach welcoming the Martians into their great allegiance. By force.

“Exquisite!” Fontaine cheered as he leapt up, clapping all four hands.

Professor Everest snorted. “I’ve seen better versions,” he replied. “Spoiled myself by seeing the original cast. Everything else is just…eh.”

CMO Carter offered a friendly nod to Izzy. She raised an eyebrow.

“What? Do I have food stuck in my teeth?” Izzy asked. “Fancy food stuck in my teeth? Goodness, how embarrassingly classy of me.”

CMO Carter shook her head, but couldn’t help smiling. “You’ve got a message.” She pointed to Izzy’s CommLink. The small indicator light at the top of its screen blinked bright red.

“Huh,” Izzy said. “An Urgent one, too.”

She opened the message and reviewed it. The sender was anonymous, and the origin details were clearly heavily encrypted. All that was clear was the small map in the body of the message. Izzy continued to stare at it intensely. The sharp snapping of fingers pulled her back to the present.

“Is something wrong, Captain Warpt?” CMO Carter asked.

Izzy sighed. “Coordinates,” she said. “Mystery coordinates. I think it’s an invitation from our scary friend back on Rigel Six.”

CMO Carter downed the rest of her drink and sighed.

“Off we go,” Izzy said. “Crew, we’re starbound in ten. Don’t want to keep our host waiting.”

Wanted Adventurers – A Tale of Two Towns

Posted on by under Wanted Adventurers

“Murkmuck Heights was beautiful, it was,” Brutus explained. “Bogwater to the edge of each yard gave us all ample fishing spaces, and the crops we grew…” The Bridge Troll’s eyes focused on a distant place not of the world but instead in a place of memory.

“I was but a young lad when Murkmuck was that way, before these thieving, thoughtless fools showed up,” Brutus continued, his gaze now fixed on the people of Ankheim who cowered just within the city’s gates, visible but clearly ready to flee to safety.

The old man stepped forward and straightened up, his expression sour. “That’s not how I recall it, and I was nearly an old man when you were the young troll you say you were back then,” he snapped.

Aranza produced a throwing knife in each hand, prepared to strike. “Give me a reason,” she hissed. “Just one.”

Monty raised a hand. “What’s your name, elder?” he added. “Let’s start with that, and be cautious to not provoke my travel companion as she has something of a temper. Her aim’s truer than any you’ve ever met.”

The old man hesitated, his eyes flicking between Aranza and Monty. “Graham Lockhaven. The current mayor. The last one fled, screaming, across the bridge into the night and was never seen again. Likely eaten by that foul creature!”

Aranza sighed. “You were doing so well.” She raised a dagger, but stopped short of throwing it.

“Thank you,” Monty said.

“Yes, I would prefer to not have to detain you,” Temperance added.

Aranza glared at her travel companions. “I didn’t do it for either of you,” she snapped. “Those aren’t the eyes of a murderer or a thief. A sad old man, maybe. I see a lot of regret in those eyes.”

Graham winced, looking away. “We didn’t come by this land the most honest way, but the damn trolls certainly didn’t make us feel welcome.”

Aranza returned the blades to their sheaths with a sigh. “Fine. What did the Trolls do? And why is there only one?”

“My family’s legacy was here! We were all driven away, and I vowed to reclaim what was ours!” Brutus sneered.

Graham shook his head. “We came here after we were chased from our homes in Northern Verdanthia, back when the drakes still roamed freely,” he said. “Back before the Guild helped bring peace. We begged and gave everything, and the trolls agreed to give us space…So we built together. Only when the Trolls demanded we offer up more…”

“Your ilk drained the bogs! Our precious fishing grounds, all but gone and replaced with this!” Brutus snarled in response.

Aranza looked around as she listened. Monty kept a watchful eye on her, and when he saw a familiar expression cross her face he stepped aside as she walked back across the bridge. Temperance began to step into her path, but was stopped.

“Best leave her to whatever she’s up to,” Monty said as Temperanced walked to the opposite shore, then along the cliffs and out of sight.

“Oy! I didn’t say you could go!” Brutus shouted. “Definitely a Guild type, that one. No manners to speak of! Where was I, now?”

Temperance shook her head. “You were bickering back and forth regarding who was more at fault, I believe,” she replied. “I lost it somewhere along the way when my head began to hurt.”

Monty chuckled. “You’ve got some jokes, I see,” he replied.

Temperance raised an eyebrow, shifting. “I…I suppose I do,” she replied.

A bright flash of light illuminated Ankheim, its rays rushing along the valley and giving the river far below an ethereal glow. The deafening explosion followed immediately behind, the sound and shockwave enough to knock trees over. Brutus braced against it with ease, while Monty and Temperance struggled and Graham was knocked to his side.

Graham struggled to stand back up. A hand was held out, and he gasped as he saw Brutus towering over him.

“Steady does it, old man,” Brutus said. “No toll for this one. What do you reckon caused that noise?”

Graham’s eyes grew wide. “Oh Gods no,” he muttered. “Everyone inside! The damn dam’s been downed!”

Temperance and Monty followed Graham’s gaze with their own, and saw something unsettling in the distance. A towering wall of water capped by roiling foam roared onward along the valley, its height great enough to threaten the bridge.

“Lovely time to visit Ankheim, don’t you think?” Monty said, grabbing Temperance’s hand. He broke into a sprint, Temperance easily outpacing and then dragging him along. She scooped up Graham with her free arm and made it past the gathering of people.

Brutus ran after, but the gate began to shut.

“No, damn it, let him in!” Graham shouted.

The doors shut just as the tempestuous wall of water crashed down.

Piece 19 – A Puzzling, Warpt World

Posted on by under A Puzzling New World

Izzy paused at the entrance to the hall. Everything about the atmosphere the place exuded just screamed haunted house–the abundance of cobwebs on toppled chairs and dust-caked tables, the rusted chandeliers that dangled perilously from chains that could give way any second, and the mysterious specter that loomed at the head of the hall where the seat of honor remained whole though empty.

The dark form twisted and folded into itself in the air above the table at the end of the hall.

“Curious,” Sophia thought aloud. “In a village like this, that’s where the Elders would sit when gathered to discuss important matters…”

Izzy snapped back to the moment after having been laser-focused on recalling the voice. “Curious because there’s no Elders or curious because there’s a spooky monster above the table like the world’s ugliest chandelier?”

Sophia smiled. “Forgive me, I know that’s something you may not know,” she replied. “The Elders of a village like this were considered a step beneath the Gods. When they met it was to decide important matters that often dictated the fate of their village. That space is covered in protective runes and wards.” She pointed, and Izzy squinted to see.

The etchings were faint in some places, but still there. Clear, precise lines carved into the stone floor. Carvings, ornate and in concert with the decorative markings, were visible on the table and each of the chairs. Perhaps it was a trick of the curious lighting, but as Izzy looked at the markings they seemed to give off a dull glow as if to challenge any with ill intent to step back. Little lights in the darkness.

***

Little lights in the darkness, the candles the lizardfolk that Curian identified as Kobolds–or, as she’d put it more bluntly, gecko bastards–were all that helped lead the way along the dark corridor. The goblins marched along the walls in lockstep, and each had a dagger readied as if they were out for blood at the first sign of disobedience.

“Quite the predicament you’ve gotten us in,” Fontaine muttered. “All because you two insisted we take this blasted leisure time!”

Professor Everest stepped ahead a little too far, and the toe of his boot caught the heel of Fontaine’s in a way that caused him to stumble ever so slightly. The goblins were fast, but none struck. Instead, as they processed what had happened, they laughed to themselves.

“Dumb lot, this group,” one goblin said.

“Nothing but bickering,” another goblin added.

“They’ll make a handsome sacrifice, though,” a third goblin said. “Master’s hungry.”

Curian’s ears perked up at this. “Master’s hungry? What manner of master is it that goblins serve these days? Thought you served yourselves and only yourselves.”

The goblin nearest to Curian let out a hiss of hot, foul breath, but Curian did not flinch away.

“We goblins are smart,” the goblin sneered. “Times change and reality is what powerful people say it is. You get a chance to change reality by helping one such powerful person? Well, you don’t need to worry about that seein’ as we’re about to feed you to them.”

“Ah, shit,” Curian said. She turned to CMO Carter, glanced at the others, then returned her attention to Carter. “They’re definitely in a cult. No idea what their master might be, though, so…Keep your wits about you. The big guy any good in a fight?”

CMO Carter shrugged. “I’d be lying if I said I knew,” she said. “We’d only just met not that long ago, and their…Well, my Captain now, I suppose…Captain Warpt sorted things out nonviolently by threatening to blow up the planet.”

Curian stopped abruptly enough that Fontaine walked into her and fell backwards. “Threatened to blow up a planet?” She chuckled. “I hope I get to meet this Captain. I bet she’s got some fun stories to tell.”

***

“I don’t know you,” Izzy said. “You’re not a real person to me, just some spooky children’s show bad guy who killed people to try to scare me. I couldn’t even escape you on a vacation that was inflicted on me! Good grief.”

The shadowy form seemed to consider this as it shifted and reshaped into different faces. “You have few enemies and your memories are…baffling.”

“They’re organized, thank you very much,” Izzy replied proudly. “I’ve got all my thoughts in the right order. Ducks in a neat little row. You just see ’em as squirrels darting around the forest because you don’t know me.”

Sophia raised an eyebrow. “That’s quite the way of putting it,” she said.

“Something something codifying memories and thoughts,” Izzy muttered. “I got bored one summer, happened upon a video, and anyway that’s how I spent the next four sleepless days. I think? I can’t always remember.”

Behind the shadow, the wall began to shift and churn. The shadowy form shuddered, and there was an unmistakable muttering to the effect of concern. Protrusions from its top portion morphed into long, many-jointed stalks that ended in bloodshot eyes. Its central form collapsed to a bulbous shape, and at its center was a single, angry, bloodshot eye. The being turned to the shifting wall, its attention temporarily not fixed on Sophia and Izzy.

“Dang, that’s ugly!” Izzy said, clearly not concerned if the creature heard her.

“I’m not sure what it is, to be honest,” Sophia said. “I’ve never encountered anything like it in my years of studies.”

The wall gave way to a long, dim corridor lit by curious candles alight with black flames. Something moved within the corridor, and Sophia and Izzy crept closer as their curiosity got the better of them.

“Looks like they’ve got back-up,” Sophia muttered.

Izzy jumped up and down. “My crew!” she shouted. “And some little Godzillas!”

“Kobolds,” one of the creatures hissed from within the corridor.

Curian looked around the shadowy creature, an eyebrow raised. She spotted Sophia and smiled. “Looks like you’ve made a friend!” she called out.

CMO Carter, Professor Everest, and Fontaine peered around the shadowy creature.

“Captain Warpt! Thank the stars, you’re all right!” Fontaine exclaimed.

CMO Carter and Professor Everest exchanged smirks.

“Be careful! That creature looks similar to a Witness from an old fantasy game,” Fontaine added. He winced. “Not that I would know from personal experience. Purely research.”

Curian patted Fontaine on the back. “Whatever helps you sleep at night, Wizard of plus ten wishful thinking,” she chided. “Bug-boy’s right, though. You know what to do, Soph?”

Sophia tapped her chin. “It seemed to take issue with you, Captain Warpt, Sorry. Izzy.”

Izzy nodded. “It’s cool, no worries,” she said. “Hey, big ugly!”

The goblins and kobolds surrounding the group in the corridor seemed to take issue with this comment, and yet none of them appeared to know how to handle their deity being called such a name. They remained still, their attention fixed on the Witness.

“Hey there ug-uh-leeeee!” Izzy shouted. “Look at me!”

The Witness turned and shifted, its form nebulous and murky again.

“Oy! They’re not what they said they are!” shouted one of the goblins. The shadows shuddered, a faint light briefly emanated from deep within its form, and the offending goblin crumbled to dust.

The Witness settled on a vague shape somewhere between Spiral Reach’s Chancellors and Izzy’s parents. “You are so very disappointing,” they hissed. “So. Very. Disappointing!”

Izzy shrugged. “I might have annoyed my instructors, but I’ve never bugged anyone enough for them to say I’m a disappointment. Heard I’m eccentric a lot.”

The Witness’s form began to glow with a faint, sickening light

Sophia gestured to Curian, who ran to the Witness’s side and waved her arms. “Yeah, ugly! Over here! I want my turn at your cheap mind-reading tricks.”

The Witness turned its attention to Curian, and its form changed to that of Dullahan. “Your world and the others will fall before my might,” it hissed. “Not bad. I like this form. Its mission suits me. You, however…” The Witness began to glow again.

“Hideous abomination!” Fontaine shouted. “Turn your gaze upon me and know your demise!” Professor Everest coughed to mask the brief bout of laughter that escaped.

“Enough!” The Witness roared. It glowed a vile green, and the glow quickly spread to everyone but Curian and Izzy.

“You chose to play games, and so a game we shall play,” the Witness sneered. “Select which of your worlds–your reality–will become my next meal. Failing to choose will only end with my devouring both of them!” It cackled wildly. The others were clearly in pain, their features frozen in contorted pictures of agony.

Izzy reached slowly for her sidearm. It felt heavier, and the metal seemed to call to her.

Yet she still didn’t want to take another creature’s life.

“Choose, or I will choose for you!” The Witness roared.

It turned to face Izzy, a toothy grin bisecting its face. “Perhaps I will take both worlds just to savor the sweet notes of suffering I feel radiating from you.” It opened its mouth and began to laugh again, but the sound that followed was far less jubilant as it gasped and sputtered.

“What is this treachery?” the Witness howled as its form convulsed between states it began to slowly rotate, which afforded Izzy a clear view of the strange weapon jutting from the Witness. It looked like a dagger wedged in a long stick at a glance.

“Had a wild, improbable idea and I figured what the Hells have I got to lose?” Curian replied.

“Something from each world as a weapon?” Izzy commented. “Super cool if true.”

Curian smiled “Super cool it is, and it looks like I was onto something.”

The Witness screamed and howled, smoke curling from its form as it spun faster and faster. It came undone slowly at first, dark smoke flinging from it until there was nothing left.

The air shimmered with a warm light and the magic that held the others in place faded. The goblins and kobolds fled without another word, and were not pursued.

“Not worth it,” Curian said as Professor Everest prepared to take chase. She walked across the small span of hall between her and Izzy and offered a mock salute. “Captain Warpt, I presume. Curian. I trust you’ve kept my traveling companion safe?”

Sophia cleared her throat. “I’m right here, you know,” she said.

“It’s almost as if I can hear her voice now, sending messages from some distant place,” Izzy snarked back prompting a hearty chuckle from Curian.

“Not bad,” Curian said. The air grew thicker with the shimmering magic.

“Looks like you best get back to your crew,” Curian said. “They missed you. Said something about time off?”

Izzy nodded. “We’ll see. I think I’ve had enough sitting back and relaxing after…Well, this silliness.” She gestured broadly. “Take care. May your mission be successful, and your course clear. Or something like that.”

Curian offered another, more sincere salute as Izzy backed away towards her crew. “I’m still a far way from home, but if we ever cross paths again we should grab a bite to eat. Swap stories. I’d bet you’ll have plenty to share.” The light in the air grew to an unbearable brightness.

“I’d like that,” Izzy said as the dining hall vanished, replaced entirely by the haunted mansion. A mechanized spider the size of a city bus dipped from the ceiling, and prompted Fontaine to shriek in horror.

Curian sighed, the wall where Izzy and her crew stood now no more than a wall. She turned to Sophia and forced a smile.

“Please tell me you at least sorted out how to get the next Piece.” Curian said.

Warpt Factor – Installment 19

Posted on by under Warpt Factor

CMO Carter lead the way, the flashlight function on her communicator the only reliable source of light the group had as they continued up the stairs and through the haunted house. Creatures skittered by in the shadows, just outside of view, and Fontaine flinched each time.

“The blasters in the cart would activate about now,” CMO Carter explained. “There are ghosts and goblins that would jump out along the corridor ahead.” She paused and signaled for the group to do the same.

Curian was the first to respond. “Are…Ah, damn. You think there are monsters waiting for us, don’t you?”

CMO Carter offered a half-hearted smile. Her eyes darted to First Officer deCourville and back to Curian. “I would suggest it isn’t out of the realm of possibility,” she replied. “I’m just wondering how the blasters would have worked out given…Well, that we left the cart behind. We could use regular blasters, but Spiral Reach does generally frown upon murder.”

“Generally frown upon it?” Fontaine sputtered. “It’s part of the primary directive given to all who fly the Spiral Reach flag on their vessels!”

Curian sighed. “I’ve got no serious qualms with putting the business end of a knife in someone if it means they don’t get to do the same to me.” She withdrew two daggers from their hilts in her boots and twirled them in her hands as she walked ahead of the group into the dark corridor. A sudden flurry of movement and a rush of air were followed by a sudden shriek. Something popped out of a small alcove to the left

It was fast, but Curian proved faster. She leapt back and brought the daggers downwards in a sweeping arch that cleaved through her attacker with nearly no effort. Its remains landed with a dull thud against the stone floor. Fontaine stifled a shriek, and Professor Everest attempted to conceal a chuckle at his cohort’s expense.

“Odd,” Curian said as she knelt down to inspect the unseen enemy. She retrieved some of its remains. She cursed as she picked part of it up, letting it clatter to the floor.

CMO Carter was the first to reach her. “What happened? Are you all right?”

Curian picked at her finger, then discarded something unseen before she picked her daggers back up. “Sorry, Cleric, it was just a splinter,” she replied. “These dummies are just that. Wooden cutouts. The goblins back home would take issue, though. These are as stereotyped as they get.”

CMO Carter nodded. “Let’s just hope that they’re all as false as that one,” she replied.

The corridor had a gradual slope to it. It followed a slow, meandering turn that wound higher and higher into the haunted mansion. Occasionally the group stopped to address a wooden goblin or sprite, but nothing living appeared before them.

“I shall dispatch the next one, then!” Fontaine said, his sidearm at the ready.

A goblin appeared, short sword in hand.

“Your money or your life!” the goblin shouted.

Fontaine laughed. “This one’s very believable,” he said. “It even talks as it were a living, breathing being.”

The goblin scoffed. “Says the big, boujee bug.”

Curian’s eyes went wide as additional goblins began to appear around them. It was an ambush, clearly.

“Don’t mean to upset a chamber pot on our little party here,” Curian muttered, “but I think I should point out these ones might be the real deal…”

Wanted Adventurers – This Land Called Betrayal

Posted on by under Wanted Adventurers

Temperance narrowed her gaze, her blade still at the ready. The Bridge Troll wielded a club that was twice as wide as Temperance, armor included, and looked like a fast way to answer the unspoken question of what could knock an entire dimension worth of depth out of a knight in plate armor.

“Let’s start with the simple questions and work our way up to more complicated things, please,” Monty said, his hands up to showcase his empty palms.

“I weren’t born yesterday, elfling,” the Bridge Troll said. “I smell the iron of two daggers in each of them sleeves. Best keep those hands up and not make any sudden moves, lest you want your paladin pal here to become a tin of holy shit.”

“That’s a thought that’ll haunt my dreams for a while,” Aranza muttered. “What’s your name, friend?”

The Bridge Troll cocked his head, his eyes now on Aranza. “Brazen of you to call me friend, friend,” he replied. He hesitated. “Suppose no harm in telling. It’s Brutus.”

Temperance smirked. “Let me guess,” she replied. “Your last name is something like ‘Skullcrusher’.”

Aranza knocked the sword from Temperance’s hand. “We’re going to have a long, unpleasant chat about that kind of nonsense later.”

Brutus nodded. “It’s Smith, I’ll have you know, and that was my family’s trade back before the village was stolen from us.”

“The Troll speaks lies! Lies!” shouted a voice from across the bridge. The party and Brutus turned their attention to its source. A number of humanoid faces were visible between the towering doors that closed Ankheim off from the world, the doors having been opened just enough.

“Oh, good, we can have a pleasant little conversation about how you damned humans and elves conned me and me family out of our rightful homestead,” Brutus sneered.

There was a collective muttering from the people just inside the doorway, and one was shoved forward. He was an older man, his eyes sunken in and his beard down to his knees. In another life, his garb may have suggested he was a powerful wizard. His stagger and sway, however, accompanied by the silver flask gripped in his hand suggested that life was not one he remembered well unless it came to needing to not pay a bar tab.

“You rob us at every turn!” the old man shouted.

“Just like you did to me and me family!”

Monty whistled sharply enough that the old man, Brutus, and Temperance had to cover their ears. Aranza shrugged, her hint of a smirk enough to suggest she was used to hearing the noise.

“Let’s get to the bottom of this, shall we?” Monty said. “I hear two tales of taking, and I want to know the truth before we come in and do…What it is that the Guild would deem appropriate.”

The old man perked up.

“No, you shut up,” Aranza said. “I trust Brutus. He seems honest. You smell like you could catch fire if you got too close to a lit match.”

The old man furrowed his brow, though his anger gave way to acceptance. “You raise a fair point, rude Orc.”

Brutus waved a hand at Ankheim. “Several years and generations ago, what before the swamp was drained and diverted, Ankheim wasn’t Ankheim,” he said. “It was Murkmuck Heights.”

The old man made a gagging sound. “Your family had nothing more than huts and ravenous alligators that plagued you!”

“Stop talking or I’ll throw you off of the bridge myself,” Aranza replied flatly.

Brutus offered a slight nod to Aranza. “Like I were saying, they came along. It wasn’t always bad, no. They helped us build up the village from the swampland. Make it less miserable living as it was, but as is often the case with humans they inevitably betrayed us and took the results of our hard work for themselves.”

Piece 18 – Uncrossing the Stars

Posted on by under A Puzzling New World

Izzy tapped a finger against the tip of her nose. “You’re asking what to do with me in a helpful way, right?” she asked. “Not some thinly-veiled allegory for murder, right? I’m getting some mixed vibes.”

Lady Rhimeghast chuckled. “That’s a valid question, I suppose,” she said. “You need to be returned to your home world, but there appears to have been more of an exchange than just you and the person who took your place.”

“Would that be the catalyst that caused the shift between worlds? Something or someone else also moved between realities?” Sophia asked.

Lady Rhimeghast nodded. “There has been an interesting uptick in curious magics to the west of the summit. Perhaps if you were to investigate that a little further, you could find answers?”

Sophia opened her mouth to reply, only for Izzy to step forward and speak first.

“Yes! Definitely! We’ll fix that right up and get me home,” Izzy replied. “I’ve got a crew that’s undoubtedly missing me, and I was on a short vacation that was cut even shorter, so…Relaxation to get back to, I hope.”

Lady Rhimeghast smiled. “Hopefully it will be that simple,” she said. “I’ll send you just beyond our borders, to the edge of where we’ve noticed the curiosities. The rest is up to you, however. Do you think you’re up to the task?”

Izzy offered two thumbs up. “I dig the Masters of the Fancy Jewelry vibes this world has, but I’ve got a lot to get back to so I need to accomplish this.”

“I admire your tenacity,” Lady Rhimeghast said. She snapped her fingers, and the world melted around Izzy and Sophia.

A chill wind scattered snow around Sophia and Izzy. A winding mountain path stretched ahead, gently sloping downwards to a small, abandoned village. Remnants of huts barely stood, with rooftops mostly collapsed and windows long-shattered. Curls of smoke snaked their way skywards from a feast hall at the far edge of the village.

“If this were an adventure game, that looks like a quest marker if I’ve ever seen one,” Izzy said.

“You seem to be a natural at this,” Sophia replied.

“Something like that,” Izzy said. “There were, uh…We…Ah! I had simulations of worlds like this, but with less chance of death if you screwed up. Which admittedly is a thought that should have occurred to me sooner.”

Sophia placed a hand on Izzy’s shoulder. “We can do this,” Sophia said. “We’ll get you home.”

The path seemed to stretch away from them as they walked towards the source of the smoke, and the atmosphere grew colder with each step. Thought it was still daytime, the world seemed to grow darker as they approached the hall. The doors were open, one barely held in place by its iron hinges.

Sophia and Izzy entered slowly. A solitary figure stood by the far wall, facing away from them and shrouded in shadow.

“Captain Warpt,” they said, their voice heavily distorted. “How curious, but this is now how we were meant to meet…”

Wanted Adventurers – A Matter of Perspective

Posted on by under Wanted Adventurers

The journey to Ankheim took longer than expected, as Trundles was a boar with little attention to her rider’s directions and a powerful appetite. After three stops for snacks, it was decided a solution was needed for the sake of expediency.

Aranza smiled back at Temperance and Monty from a good distance ahead, the apple she’d rigged up to a simple combination of rope and a stick that was held just out of Trundles’ reach a powerful motivator for the boar.

“Don’t look so smug there,” Monty called. “You’ll be the first one to be eaten by the Bridge Troll if this goes sideways!”

“She had a good idea, though,” Temperance said. “Clever of her to use the boar’s endless appetite to her advantage.”

Monty gave Temperance a sideways glance. “Don’t let her hear you say that or she’ll never shut up about this.”

“Too late, I heard all of it!” Aranza shouted back.

“Gods damn it,” Monty said.

The horses clipclopped along the weathered dirt road, the metal of their horseshoes occasionally striking a stone from a time when there may have been some improvements in process before being abandoned.

“Have you ever been to Ankheim?” Monty asked Temperance, his eyes still fixed on the road ahead. They continued along at a pace that would ensure their arrival before sunset, which in turn guaranteed they would encounter the Bridge Troll they were tasked with removing.

“Sorry, did I need to use your title there or something to address you properly?” Monty asked “Guild Paladin Temperance, have you ever been to Ankheim before?”

Temperance blinked. “Oh. I’m sorry, I didn’t…” she hesitated. “I didn’t think you were talking to me, to be honest. No, I haven’t. I have heard quite a bit about it, as they pay handsomely for special Guild protections.”

Monty chuckled. “Tell me something I don’t know,” he replied. “You’re in for a treat. Assuming we can deal with this Troll, that is. Better than going straight after a Lich, I suppose.”

Temperance smiled. “Suppose you’re right.”

A walled town appeared on the horizon. The heights of its walls glittered gold in the fading sunlight of the day. Two massive, iron doors blocked the only point of entry to the town and were the only thing separating the town from the bridge that spanned a steep valley and kept travelers from plunging into the Ankheim River. Few would suggest the Ankheim River is anything shy of a pleasant and slow-moving, but to follow it for too long beyond Ankheim would lead one to the Serpentus Falls. These were noteworthy for being a very sharp drop that was followed by an abrupt, often deadly stop.

The bridge that spanned the gap was stone, and fairly standard in appearance. Any bridgebuilder would be proud to call it their work, and rightfully so as it had occupied that span for greater than one hundred years without incident.

Aranza brought Trundles to a stop the easiest way she could manage, by dropping the apple. She dismounted, hammered a tent post into the ground, and tied Trundles’ harness to the post.

“By the Gods, you two certainly took your time,” Aranza taunted. “Busy having a buddy adventure back there while I scouted ahead?”

“You know my only friendly travel companion is you, Aranza,” Monty snarked back. “Any word on the Troll with whom we are to contend?”

They stood just beyond the edge of the bridge and considered their options. Bridge Trolls were at home in the underside of bridge, and often laid traps for careless travelers. Some, however, favored brute force over brainy approaches. The one universal truth to Bridge Trolls, however, was a simple one: pay the toll or be devoured by the troll.

Temperance unsheathed her sword and stepped forward. A sudden flurry of movement was barely visible beneath the bridge–little more than a large, dark shape that moved in the shadows.

Aranza elbowed Monty. “Don’t think we get off the hook if let her die, Monty,” she pointed out. “Flip a copper to see who goes to save her?”

Monty sighed. “You’re not wrong, but we don’t have time,” he replied. He palmed a dagger, the flash of silver gone as quickly as it appeared, and walked with purposes to meet Temperance before the Bridge Troll did.

“Let’s be reasonable here, my goodly Guild…handler? No, that’s not the word I’m looking for, is it,” Monty said as he stepped between Temperance and the last step onto the bridge. “You are clearly a Paladin of action, and that’s admirable.”

“We cannot let a monster dictate the terms by which our people live,” Temperance replied. She opened her mouth to speak again, only to shut it abruptly. Her eyes grew wide.

The rumbling grew from a subtle accompaniment to the river’s babbling below to a cacophony on par with an avalanche roaring down a mountainside.

“Monty, you were supposed to stop her,” Aranza called out as she ran over to join her traveling companions. “Not step onto the bridge, you gnollwit!” She smiled sheepishly up at the Bridge Troll.

The troll towered over the trio, at least twice Monty’s height. Muscles, built for scaling cliffs and clinging to the undersides of bridges (that also served their owner well in ventures such as smashing careless adventurers’ skulls), bulged within the troll’s stone-like slate gray skin. Long, curved fangs jutted out of the troll’s gaping maw at wild angles as it returned the smile.

“Goodness me, what a curious predicament we’ve got ourselves here,” the Bridge Troll said.

Temperance assumed a defensive pose while Monty moved out from between her and the troll while he muttered a series of apologies.

“You’re right,” Temperance said. “You’ve extorted your last gold piece from Ankheim and its good people!”

The Bridge Troll cocked his head, his large red eyes squinted in visible confusion. “The good people of Ankheim?” he roared with laughter. “You Guild types are all the same. Proper jesters and fools, really.”

Aranza stifled a chuckle. “I feel obligated to disagree presently, but say for the sake of curiosity I’d like to know what makes this particular Guild fool a fool in this case?”

Temperance shot a quick, dagger-filled glance over her shoulder at Aranza, who simply shrugged in reply.

“Ankheim weren’t Ankheim forever, you misinformed miscreants,” the Bridge Troll sneered. “That’s enough talk, methinks. Either pay the toll, or…Well, surely you lot know the rest.”