Author Archives: fictionalpenguin

This Week in Misadventures

Posted on by under This Week in Misadventures

Or “The post that almost didn’t happen because I have to be up for work at 5:30 tomorrow morning” with a dash of “Oh god, why am I still awake? Because I’d lose sleep if I tried skipping this post”.

It’s well past the 4th of July, which means everyone should be fully recovered from their red, white, and blue hangovers. Pet eagles should have been returned to the wild by now, free to soar high above the freedom and liberty of America until next year, when they return to their rightful owners to drink beer and cook burgers made from the crushed hopes of terrorists. I have no idea where all of that came from, but I’m not even kind of sorry.

This past week had ups and downs galore, but when everything is said and done it was awesome in terms of progress. That’s why I’m glad to make this edition of This Week in Misadventures happen. Continue reading →

The War on the Moon and its Constellation Army

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The following is a short story I wrote, inspired by The Bloggess’ 4th of July tweets. It turned out okay, but I don’t think it quite turned out how I expected. Admittedly, this story took on a bit of a life of its own, and things got a little ridiculous.

I have three and a half short stories to go before I’ve met my somewhat unrealistic goals for the day, and there will be the standard This Week in Misadventures later. For now, I hope this proves enjoyable.

Continue reading →

Old stories, new stories, and Saturday miscellany

Posted on by under Misadventures in Fiction

Or “I’m pretty sure the only thing I’m accomplishing outside of work this weekend is licking windows, and I’m not entirely thrilled with that”.

Holiday weekends always leave me a bit catawampus. Friday seemed liked Saturday, and today seemed like Sunday, so I’ll probably wake up early tomorrow, very afraid I’ve missed the weekly conference call at work. I’m probably kidding.

Today was filled with unexpected episodes of nostalgia, which is the worst kind of nostalgia. It inflicted memories on me that I was happy to revisit, and some I could’ve done without spending time focusing on. Enough about that, though.

This isn’t a post about today’s weirdness so much as it is a post about tomorrow’s hopeful productivity. That’s the exciting stuff, I hope. The plan is to get up relatively early, which is easy enough since I’m no longer able to sleep past 8a.m. anyway, and get as much writing done as possible. I can’t think up a sufficiently clever name for it, so Sunday Marathon Writing Bonanza-Thing. It’ll be a little of the old, a little of the new, and enough writing to make my fingers bleed. Two stories that helped inspire my post on my story mortality rate. A story inspired by The Bloggess’ Fourth of July tweets. A story idea that happened at work or while I was celebrating yesterday or at some point other than those. I’m a master of Fuzzy Thinking today, with some particularly impressive Mush-Brain attributes. Maybe a new Warpt Factor, unless all of my fingers have fallen off by that point.

I’m beta-testing the pilot episode for Phil’s Misadventures in Podcasting before, you know, recording an actual first episode. Not before figuring out how to convert and upload the pilot, of course. So that should be its own misadventure in dumbassery.

There’s also some exciting news for This Week in Misadventures. I guess I could just say how the news is about [redacted] and [withheld], but not without forgetting [spoilers].

I’m so goddamn funny.

That’s all for tomorrow. Tonight’s for recovering, Adventure Time, and remembering what day it is, because I still keep thinking it’s Sunday. In about an hour, that’ll be right…so hooray for small victories. I hope you all, dear readers, enjoyed a pleasant Fourth of July with your bald eagles, burgers wrapped in steak, and your assault rifles that launch fireworks, and avoided the standard Fifth of July Hangover. See you lovely folks tomorrow for the standard weekly recap.

 

Introducing the impending

Posted on by under Misadventures in Fiction

This shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise, given my tendency to leap into trying new things with all of the preparation and thoughtfulness of a man on fire who happened to spot a nearby lake. I’m very excited to announce I’m actually going to take a crack at starting my own podcast.

By that I mean I’ve recorded the pilot episode of Phil’s Misadventures in Podcasting, and now it needs attention in the form of editing. Once that happens, I need to either create (oh god, no) or obtain cover art, figure out how to actually disperse it for the enjoyment or suffering of others…and that should do it.

If you enjoy the snark I produce here, in written words, then I think it’s a safe bet to say you’ll also enjoy my upcoming podcast. Hopefully, once I get the ball rolling on it I’ll be able to bribe, coerce, or blackmail people into being guests, and I assume my editing skills will only improve with time.

Most importantly, what manner of shenanigans would you folks want from such a podcast?

Misadventures in accidentally creating my own brand

Posted on by under General Bloggity Stuff

Or “If it walks like a self-congratulatory gesture, and talks like a self-congratulatory gesture, it might be one of my blog posts”.

Before I even delve into this post, I need to address the fact that this post started while I was watching So You Think You Can Dance. Needless to say, that time is well past and I have no idea how I got so easily distracted, but this is a very real problem with no probable solutions shy of me deleting all social media apps from my Surface. God damn it. Continue reading →

Forgive them even if they’re not sorry. That’ll really piss them off.

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Automattic Special Projects's avatarThe Bloggess

What I say to my small daughter when she’s nine:  Kids can be jerks but the best thing to do is to forgive them, even if they’re not sorry.

What I will say to my small daughter when she’s sixteen:   You should forgive people even if they’re not sorry because those people sound like real assholes and it will piss them off like crazy if they realize you’re forgiving them for being the dickheads that they don’t think they are.  Even better, just walk up to them and put a hand on their arm and say, “I forgive you.”  Then walk away.  And then you can feel better because you’ve fucked those assholes right in the head.  And also because forgiveness is next to Godliness.  Or cleanliness.  One of those.

Regardless, forgive them and you win.  Even better, forget them completely and then keep introducing yourself to them so they realize they’re not important…

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My ideas, and their woefully high mortality rate

Posted on by under Misadventures in Fiction

At any given time, there’s probably about a dozen too many ideas rattling around in the vast weirdness of my thoughts. This can make keeping track of everything a bit difficult, though I say this as someone who also owns a good number of notebooks that are far more devoid of any writing than they should be. As I mentioned earlier in the week, I’m now working on the first draft of yet another novel idea, which arrives and leaves the forefront of my thoughts at its leisure. There are Warpt Factor plotlines bouncing off of one another like they’re all locked up in a particularly potent bouncy castle. Many short stories. Posts for Screen Robot. You get the idea. Continue reading →

Misadventures in Podcasting?!

Posted on by under Misadventures in Fiction

Or “I meant to include this in my This Week in Misadventures post, but I’m forgetful and was tired, so I forgot” with hints of “This is a title for a thing that will probably never happen”.

This is an idea that, at some point or another, materialized in my brain. It started as a whisper. Hey. Podcasts are neat. You like doing neat things. Huh? Why not? I jokingly suggested this possibility on Twitter and Facebook, where a few people made the terrible decision of encouraging such an idea. By that I mean they said I should do a podcast while very drunk.

Not helpful, people. Not even a little.

Here’s what I do know about podcasts: they’re available on iTunes, they can be free, and a lot of people make really entertaining ones (Hey there, Welcome to Nightvale).

I don’t know what I’d talk about, who I’d talk with, or even how I’d go about a podcast.

That all aside, I like the sound of Misadventures in Podcasting because, I mean, it goes with my Misadventures in everything else.

Thoughts?

This week in my brain turning to gelatin

Posted on by under This Week in Misadventures

William Shakespeare provided a quote that accurately summarizes how I feel after this past week. It’s one of great wisdom and power, and it channels every fiber of my spirit in its present state.

“O, I am slain.” – Polonius (Hamlet).

That, coincidentally, is also my favorite quote from Shakespeare…which says a lot about my capacity to enjoy his works, I fear.

My week in misadventures was a busy one, and my brain has been rendered into a slimy, disappointing blob of gelatin. I write this in the haze of post-nap dreariness, knowing I need to get to bed soon because I open at work tomorrow.

That’s not important, though. It is, however, my justification for any verbal missteps. Moving on. Continue reading →

Shameless Saturday Shilling: the SciFi Valley Con edition

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I feel like it’s been a bit too long since I’ve politely suggested, in the form of throwing links, checking out other great art by other terrific, creative people. After eight hours at work today, I rewarded myself with some time at Altoona’s very own Sci-Fi Valley Con. I’d really hoped to make it for even a little bit, if only to get my picture taken with a replica TARDIS, but I failed to think about the best part about cons like this.

The artists! I picked up a good few treasures today, and have plans to go again for a bit tomorrow. However, for the sake of sharing with those of you who can’t make it, here are some artists worth checking out.  No real order to these, by the way. The general rule of thumb for me: I was far more likely to check out a person’s work, and make a purchase, if they were friendly and engaging to the people passing by.

I didn’t warn these unfortunate, talented people I’d be shamelessly shilling their sites on here. I wasn’t paid for it, either. There were just too many awesome artists at Sci-Fi Valley Con, and I couldn’t help but share with you, my dear readers, because the only thing better than meeting indie artists is sharing them with other people (who, in turn, should buy from said artists).

I’ll update the list tomorrow once I obtain additional business cards. Continue reading →